By
Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori
“A woman can never know if a man is stingy before marriage. Why? Because, if you ask, he will give. But, when you enter the marriage, that is when his true colour will show. So, tell people to verify for you!”
— Shaykh Abu Naasir, KBC’2025
Let me attempt to make a sharh on the above.
Some men may start using the above Sheikh’s statement as a cover up. Sheikh has not said it is harām or makruh to be generous towards a prospective spouse. He is only telling our sisters to be careful and not get deceived with premarital gifts. Investigating the man to know if he is truly generous is very important. Sheikh is warning our sisters not to base their judgement solely on what the man does before marriage. For instance, rushing to buy Shawarma or item 7 for you is not a conclusive proof of generosity.
Please note: a prospective spouse in this context is someone you are genuinely planning to marry in respect of who you have taken some bold steps, and not someone with who you are in a harām relationship.
Earlier today in the Mawaddah platform, we had a discussion around this topic.
Let us first note that a man does not owe a woman anything before marriage. Financial responsibility on a man starts immediately after nikāh. Whatever a man gives to a woman before marriage is just nāfilah (voluntary act of goodness). It is not binding on him.
However, as a man, giving before marriage is like trying to practice what you will be doing full time in the marriage and it is not bad at all. Apart from the fact that it prepares you for the future role, it builds a woman’s confidence in a way regarding your generosity. It is different from not seeing any sign of generosity at all. The point is that the man must be genuine about giving before marriage. It must not be out of pretence. It should be done for the sake of Allāh to the point that even if the nikāh doesn’t later work out, you will not be disappointed about what you have spent and all the efforts you have made. Whatever you give is a form of sadaqah that Allāh would reward handsomely. No act of kindness goes in vain.
Therefore, I will always advise a prospective husband to give premarital gifts no matter how little to a woman and be genuine about it. A woman can also give a man gifts before marriage for the sake of Allāh. Moreso, giving gifts is one of the love languages of some men and women.
Then, a question came up: Barrister quick question, do the ladies ask for the gifts or the men offer it?
Then, I say,
A woman should never ask for it, it should be voluntary. A lot of men don’t like a woman who asks before marriage. It may look like beggary. Beggary is shameful. In fact, she should avoid stylish beggary. Even a woman giving a man too should be voluntary. It is a red flag when a man asks a woman for monetary favour before marriage, except in some extreme or understandable situations. If it becomes constant, then the woman should run for her life even if she is a billionaire.
A woman asking for help from a man before marriage is capable of sending wrong signals, except in an inevitable situation that the man too will understand. Parents need to train their daughters not to behave like “elebi” as some people would say or have “ojukokoro” towards their prospective husbands. If a woman doesn’t ask, it is a sign that she may have contentment in marriage. But just like in the case of the man, this can only be confirmed in the marriage proper. Some ladies who hardly ask before marriage may turn out to be billers of the highest order in the marriage.☺️
And Allāh knows best
