SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY ON ACCOUNT OF GENERATIONAL GAP

By

Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori

It is a religious issue that needs to be addressed with sincerity devoid of personality attacks, scores settling colouration or we vs them syndrome. The truth is that the issue raised on choice of spouse is too sensitive to be ignored, especially by those of us who are known for marital affairs. When it comes to marriage, anyone can go for his or her choice and it is subjective. People’s choices are relative. The basic principle on choice of spouse under the sharī’ah is established in Quran 4:3 where Allāh said:

فَا نْكِحُوْا مَا طَا بَ لَـكُمْ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ

Then marry those that please you of [other] women (QS. An-Nisaa: Verse 3)

Sometimes it is better to keep some views private especially if it is capable of sending wrong signals to some quarters. We have to be very careful. A comment on personal choice in spouse selection can just be expressed in a restricted forum and not publicly. Then, it can be expressed with due respect to other people who may have divergent choices that they are entitled to.

In the book “Garment of Compassion”, I discussed something related to this issue due to many cases that have been brought to me in relation to sexual incompatibility arising from the generational gap between some couples.

Please read patiently

“One of the major issues of sexual incompatibility is the generational gap between a man and a woman. If the age difference between a man and his wife is too much, they might not be compatible with their sexual preferences, performances and fantasies. Some young ladies have read many books and novels on intimacy, some of which are very erotic in a bid to prepare themselves for the task ahead. While they must not have exaggerated expectations of their spouses, their spouses need to try to meet up with their standards. The reality of marriage is far beyond Hollywood, Bollywood, Nollywood or what is read in the Fiction. Some men are far older than their wives and still try to please them by learning some sexual skills and fantasies associated with their generation.

The Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم was far older than ‘Aishah رضي الله عنها and he brought himself to her level on sexual relations. This means that it is a Sunnah for older men to strive to please their younger wives with sexual fantasies peculiar to their generation. In my address on the day of the public presentation of Halāl Sex and Intimacy, I said:

Nowadays, many of our elderly men are marrying young ladies. Most, if not all of these young ladies have digital sex life installed in their thoughts and their plights must be appropriately considered. A man cannot afford to be analogue, while his wife is digital in her sex life. This is a strong matter of compatibility that must be taken seriously. This is one of the reasons why I have discussed some useful romantic and erotic 208 topics that could be a remedy in this regard.

The above presupposes that no matter the age difference between husband and wife, they need to be vulnerable towards each other to bridge the generational gap. A man
should be free with his wife. His wife should be able to ask for any halāl sexual treatment if he (the husband) can afford it.A woman who is married to an older man or a man who is
not sexually enlightened should deal with the situation with caution. She should not communicate her grievances with anger. Indeed, women have their ways of getting their men to do some things to please them without displeasing Allāh. A woman in this kind of situation should handle it with emotional intelligence. If there is a new sexual game which she wants the husband to play with her, she should know how to handle him with wisdom. She should make
sure she gets enough green lights from her husband before introducing it so that he would not reject it at a go.” (Garment of Compassion, page 131 to 132)

May Allāh guide us aright.

© Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori